Geostorm

I would like to take home one thing from this movie, which was bad in quite an unsurprising way.

Well, ok, maybe it’s more things, but one is really more important and it’s this one:
when you have a global conspiracy on your hands, and I mean it in the sense that the globe is the actual target of the conspiracy, would you go and trust this guy?

I mean, you wouldn’t, right?
And if you’re screaming “Spoiler, spoiler!” right now it just means you would and you’re actually not worthy of my attention.
So, that’s one thing sorted out.

Now, other things you can take home from this movie.

1. If you’re living a natural disaster of some sort (flood, storm, heatwave, it doesn’t really matter) it helps if you’re a kid with a dog, an old lady or a girl with boobs. Now note that these attributes are not cross-referenceable. If by instance you’re a lady with a dog, you might not be ok. And it doesn’t really help if you’re a guy with a dog, or a guy with boobs. That’s just how colossal movies work.
2. If you’re living a natural disaster of some sort (flood, storm, heatwave, it doesn’t really matter) it helps if you start running: the camera will focus on you and it will need you to stay alive at least until the end of the sequence. This might be a loophole to escape point 1, but if you’re a guy sitting next to a girl and she starts running too… well, you’re screwed, dude.
3. When you are on a space station, you should trust the Mexican.
4. It’s always the middle-eastern guy, although maybe not the one you had originally in mind because of “plot twist”.

Now, my thoughts and prayers go to my significant other, who watched this in an actual movie theater. Alone. In Vegas.
Another thought I might spare is for Gerard Butler, who clearly has a huge rent to pay somewhere. This also clearly applies to Andy Garcia, who is apparently filming what seems to be the sequel to Iron Sky (nazis on the moon, if you recall) but that is an entirely different story.